Zuko's Rants
by The Hash Slinging Slasher
Summary: Our fiery friend has finally snapped, and is ranting about anything that annoys him. Will the Gaang be able to stop him before he busts an artery?
1. Commercials

The light of the television illuminated Zuko's face, revealing an extremely determined expression. He was on the edge of the couch, and the edge of insanity. He was watching the finale of his favorite drama, and he could tell something big was going to happen. There had been a writer's strike, so the finale had been postponed for a month. A _month_. Zuko had had to wait to see who Jessica would marry for a _month_.

_"Oh, Brad... oh, Tim... I, I..."_

Zuko held his breath.

_"I choose... I choose-"_

BAM. Commercial Break.

Zuko stood up, smoke hissing out his ears. "What? You can't do that! I cannot wait any longer! Who's the idiot-"

Katara brought her eyes up from her game of solitaire. "You know Zuko, without commercials, they couldn't make money, and the show wouldn't even exist."

"Why does the television industry even allow this?! It ruins what they create. Advertisers should be more creative, and find other ways to inform the customer. Commercials are the stupidest, most ineffective, idiotic way to advertise! The man who invented the T.V. would be ashamed to see what his brilliant machine is being used for!"

"Zuko... calm down..." Katara said softly.

"Brain washing! That's what it is! once you've seen an ad multiple times, its implanted in your mind whether you like it or not! You'll buy what their selling regardless of the price!!"

"Zuko, I think you might be overreac-"

"It's a government conspiracy! Their slowly warping our minds until we won't do anything that hasn't been done in an advertisement! It's the perfect plan, since nobody except me even cares about commercials! I will be the lone survivor! You guys will become government slaves!"

"Zuko! The show's-"

"I will find every company that has ever had a commercial, and then I will burn them to the ground!" Zuko laughed hysterically.

"Zuko! The show is ba-"

"Then, I will attend the CEO's funeral, and interrupt it! Ha Ha!"

"ZUKO! The show is back on!" Katara shouted, pointing to the T.V.

"_And that concludes the finale of Love and Tears, thanks for watching."_

Katara plugged her ears.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I hope you enjoyed Zuko's first rant, I will update soon. Please _**REVIEW**_ with comments, criticism, praise, etc. Oh! And I almost forgot, for all you die hard Kataang people, and all you rabid Zutarians, just because Kataara was the only other character in this chapter, does not mean I do or don't support that pairing.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Avatar or any of the avatar characters. I did not make money off of this.


	2. Sporks

As the Gaang settled into a table, Sokka looked around the food court hungrily.

"They've got everything here! Burgers, seafood, pizza, teriyaki, teriyaki burgers-"

"And sporks." Zuko spat out the last word.

Sokka seemed puzzled. "Yeah, so?"

"Sporks are the worst utensil ever created. By combining a spoon and a fork, they made something that doesn't work as either. They're a waste of plastic."

"I kind of like them..." Sokka said hesitantly.

Zuko immediately rose to his feet, and a nearby trashcan erupted into flames. "What?! What's there to like about them?! Their prongs are too short to pick anything up, and because they're not closed like spoons, liquids just drain out! And its people like _you_ who keep them in cafeterias! If people weren't so uncaring, sporks would've been done away with a long time ago! But no! People are too scared to speak up, and say what a horrible waste they are!"

Katara rolled her eyes. "It's really not that big of a deal."

"Not that big of a deal? _Not that big of a deal_? This is a HUGE deal! This goes beyond sporks and their stupid design and ineffectiveness. This is about people being so cheap that they won't even give you a fork and spoon anymore! People not caring about the customer anymore! People being selfish! Man, it's a good thing all businesses aren't like this- oh, wait, they _are_!! And it all started with these little pieces of plastic," he picked up a spork, and then snapped it in half. "I hereby boycott this food court!" And with that, he stomped out.

Sokka pointed to a nearby concession counter. "Hey! Look! They have forks and spoons too!'

Katara slammed her head on the table.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Sorry! I promise future updates will be waaaaay faster. In fact, every time **you push that** **green button**, the story gets updated 6 hours sooner!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything from Avatar the Last Airbender.


	3. Microwaves

The steady hum of the microwave filled the kitchen, as Zuko waited patiently by the counter. He was re-heating last night's macaroni. He would have preferred a sandwich, but Sokka had not been thinking of this when he ate the entire loaf of bread.

_Beep, beep._

Zuko opened the microwave, and pulled out is plate of food. He sat down, stuck his fork right into the middle of the cheesy mess, then stuffed some into his mouth.

Immediately, he spit it out, sending yellow mush flying across the counter. "It's cold!" he exclaimed, looking thoroughly disgusted.

"Well, yeah," said Aang, as he continued to blow dry some dishes, "Microwaves always do that. They leave the middle cold, so you have to stir everything up, then re-heat it."

"What? You expect me to work more, because someone else worked less? whoever made this contraption needs to take some responsibility and do a global re-call.

"Well, maybe-"

"Whatever happened to quality? The kitchen appliance industry is going downhill, and I hope they crash and die at the bottom. This is the single worst product I have ever seen on the market. A heating machine that only heats half-way. What if they started selling cars that only take you half-way there? What if they start selling chairs that only hold your weight half the time? What if they start selling iPods that only play half songs? I'll tell you what would happen, people would buy them because everybody is a standard-less fool! But not me, I won't take it! I will send a strongly worded letter to_ Kenmore _telling them exactly what I think! And as for you, microwave, don't think your off the hook!"

Zuko punched two football sized balls of flame towards the unfortunate appliance. Then, he jumped into the air, and swung his leg in a wide arc, sending an enormous wave of scorching flame to finish it off.

"Stupid microwave!" Zuko stormed out of the kitchen.

Sokka, oblivious to the pieces of molten microwave littering the floor, walked in and began to tuck into Zuko's macaroni.

"Aang, our microwave is broken."

"Yeah, I can see that..."

"No, like, before Zuko torched it."

Aang slammed his forehead against the counter.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I was bit by a blockmonster the other day, so now I have the horrible disease known as writer's block. If you have any ideas for things I could rant on, please tell me. And, _**REVIEW**_ with comments, criticism, praise, etc.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Avatar or Kenmore.


	4. Fluff & Drabbles

Zuko scrolled down the page, muttering to himself. He was browsing for a well-written, multi-chaptered fan-fic that would be rich and satisfying. Sadly (yet not altogether unexpectedly), he was not finding anything that fell under this category. What he was finding, however, was a very great deal of fluff and drabbles.

"What the..." Zuko clicked on a story written by FlUfFyxXxKIttEnZ, entitled _A Dance To Remember_. The summary was: _Zuko dances in the rain on Valentine's day to show his passionate love for Kataara._

"I would never do that! What did I do on the show to give people the slightest impression that I would ever do that? This Fluffy-Kitten person needs to get a grip on reality. Why would anybody even write something like this? Is it just to add to the population of fics that support your favorite pairing? And will somebody _please _tell me where the moderators are(that's right, I didn't capitalize it, because they don't deserve to wear the title)! They're the ones who are supposed to punish people who post this kind of stuff, if not banish from the sight forever."

Zuko scrolled down farther, eventually clicking on a story entitled: _567 Zuko Love Drabbles_.

"Okay, seriously people, if you're going to post something, at least set yourself a realistic goal. The chances of this being finished are about the same as any of its content making any sense in the slightest."

Zuko skimmed through several lines of randomness involving the Plant-Benders, Zuko being reincarnated as a girl, and Sokka turning into the sun.

"Think of a plot, people! Seriously, I don't know why I'm a member of this site. I have better things to do then read other people's pointless mind wanderings."

Aang walked into the room, blinked, then walked out.

"Yeah, that's right, this rant was so true that you don't have a witty one-liner that will completely destroy its meaning and purpose!"

Zuko laughed hysterically, then shut down his computer and left the room.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Sorry if I offended anybody with this one. I'm guilty of some of this stuff myself, which is kind of sad. The whole realistic goal thing... I have many unfinished fics. But I know I'll finish this one if you _**REVIEW**_. If you have any suggestions for rant topics, they are greatly appreciated and will be rewarded with many different flavors of cookies!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Avatar the Last Airbender, or .


	5. Telephones

**Author's Note: **Well, I'm sorry for not updating in forever, but it happens sometimes.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Avatar the Last Airbender.

The birds chirped happily outside of Zuko's window, as a refreshing, cool breeze wafted in from another. Zuko smiled lazily in his sleep, enjoying the nothingness. When he woke up, he might for a walk, or plant some flowers, or feed the squirrels at the park.

_RRRIIINNGGG!_

Zuko sat straight up in bed. The phone. That accursed phone. He should've never had it installed in the first place. It's not like anybody who ever called him had anything to say anyways. Always just "checking up" on him, as if he was some kind of patient. The last time he had ever heard anything good from a telephone was Aang calling to tell him that his sister had gotten arrested.

_RRRIIINNGGG!_

Oh! And of course no one would pick up the phone, seeing as it was always somebody else who was closest, or somebody else who the call was bound to be for.

_RRRIIINNGGG!_

If the matter at hand was really so important, why don't they just come over here and tell me face to face? What happened to the days when personal relationships were established through meeting?

_RRRIIINNGGG!_

Why is the phone so loud? Do they just assume that every single time it rings everyone in the house will be in a coma or something?

"Sokka! Pick up the phone!" Zuko shouted, unable to take any more.

"Your closer!"

Oh, I bet, thought Zuko, "Aang! Pick up the pho-"

_RRRIIINNGGG!_

"What? I can't hear you over the phone Zuko!"

"Toph! Pick up the phone!"

"Do it yourself, Captain Angst! It's just a phone!"

"Katara! Pick up the phone!"

"Katara isn't here!"

"That sure sounded a lot like Katara to me."

"No it didn't..."

_RRRIIINNGGG!_

"AAAHHHH!" Zuko roared, leaping up out of bed. He jumped down all the stairs, then sprinted to the phone and torched it with an intense blast of fire. He stormed out of the house, cursing the name of Alexander Graham Bell.

Meanwhile, on the other end of the line, Fire Lord Ozai slammed the phone back down, shaking with fury. He had just been walking in his garden, when he had suddenly realized that life was too short to spend harboring grudges, so he had decided to make amends with his son Zuko. His revelation had come to a quick end when Zuko had enraged him by not picking up the phone.

Fire Lord Ozai began to set fire to everything in his immediate vicinity (which, sadly, included several of his servants), breathe flame, and shoot lighting. After that, he called a war council and set out to destroy the Earth and Water nations.


	6. The Last Airbender MoviePart 1

**Author's Note: **So, I recently went and saw _The Last Airbender _movie, not because I thought it looked good, but so that I could see if they could get it right or not. They got it wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. All of the things I am about to make fun of are all too real! (It's so bad, this rant is going to be two chapters long)

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything that relates to _The Last Airbender._

"So what do you guys want to do today?" asked Katara.

Sokka shoved the rest of his toast into his mouth. "Well, we need to get a new phone."

Zuko glared at Sokka.

"Oh, well, I guess we don't need a new phone..."

"We could see a movie," said Aang.

"Yeah! I've been wanting to see _The_ _Expendables_! That movie's gonna be awesome!" said Toph, fist bumping Sokka.

Zuko rolled his eyes. "That movie looks stupid. We should see something that will actually have depth, like _Inception_."

"Depth, Schmepth," said Sokka. "Do you even know who's going to be in _The Expendables_?

"No."

" Only all the greatest, toughest, awesomest men in the history of manhood!"

"I was thinking we could see _The Last Airbender_," said Katara. A collective moan followed almost immediately.

"Come on guys, if somebody went to the trouble of making a movie about us, the least we can do is go and see it." said Katara in her motherly voice.

Aang tossed a slice of his orange to Momo. "Yeah, I mean, how bad could it be?"

**-One Really Bad Movie Later-**

"How bad could it be? How bad could it be? That was the worst movie I've ever seen! The dialogue could've been an elementary school conversation, and the acting was pathetic! They missed tons the big events from that period of our lives, and replaced them with a montage of things that never even happened!"

"Well, condensing is hard..." said Katara. Unfortunately, the Zuko-Train was running on full power, and wasn't about to be derailed by a weak excuse.

"They couldn't even get the names right! They pronounced Aang 'Ung', and Sokka 'Soh-kuh'! There was absolutely no reason to do that!" Zuko paused and took a breath. "Also, they ruined the characters by making them flat and boring, when development is one of the biggest parts of the show!"

Katara struggled to think of answer. "I guess... um..."

" Aang was the only white airbender, and you and your family were the only white members of the water tribe! They totally blew off all ethnicities! And then, for some reason, the firebenders were Indian and Middle Eastern! That didn't even make any sense!"

Sokka nodded. "A lot of that movie didn't make any sense."

"And Haru was eight years old! That was a pointless change that derived from the show for no logical reason at all!"

"Hey, how is he going to have a mustache by the invasion now?" asked Sokka.

"And that stupid speech about how 'we have to show them that we believe our beliefs just as much as they believe in theirs' was just pitiful. They should've kept the original dialogue which was created by intelligent writers who knew the characters!"

The doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" Aang jumped up from his seat and opened the door.

In came Uncle Iroh. "I heard that you went to see _The Last Airbender_."

"It was a complete disaster," said Zuko.

Iroh nodded. "I went and saw it myself," he shook his head, "It was a very poor film."

"I think they must've been aiming towards a younger age group then the show," said Katara.

"No, I read an article that said M. Night wanted to hit all the same ages as the original series," said Zuko, "Another thing he completely failed to do."

"It is very difficult to condense a show in which every episode contains important character development," said Iroh.

Zuko stood up. "No, there is no excuse for the shame he has brought upon the Avatar fan base."

**To Be Continued...**


	7. The Last Airbender Movie Part 2

Zuko slammed his fist on the table. "M. Night has dishonored all Avatar fans, as well as our story of responsibility, leadership, acceptance, and personal respect. The movie was also an insult to all Asian culture, as well as all Asian people,"

Aang shuffled nervously in his seat. "Well, I wouldn't take it that far..."

"Of course you wouldn't! It's not like your pretty much the only person who's qualified to make definite final rulings on things relating to race. Only the Avatar is supposed to do that!"

Katara put her hand on Aang's shoulder. "Hey, he is only twelve."

Zuko had moved on however, and was back onto the movie. "In the episode 'The Painted Lady' Sokka specifically states that you guys did not have time to go around saving every single little village. But, what do they throw into the movie? A montage of you guys going around to every little village and freeing it from the Fire Nation. Also, Aang took Katara's overemotional speech about hope, which pretty much destroyed her entire character."

Katara took her hand off of Aang's shoulder. Aang frowned.

Iroh raised a finger. "And don't forget about the firebending."

"Oh, don't worry Uncle, I didn't forget. I didn't forget that M. Night made the entire Fire Nation completely dependent on matches! I can't believe he changed the rules of the Avatar Universe. Firebenders can make their own fire, they don't need to draw it from any source other than the sun... and oxygen."

"I know, in the siege of the north, the Waterbenders could've just put out all the fires," said Sokka.

"And why didn't Aang use that whole giant fish move?" asked Toph.

"I'll tell you why, because M. Night was determined to take everything that was good about Avatar, and make it lame in the movie," said Zuko.

"I will tell you what they really got wrong," said Iroh, "I looked terrible."

"Really Uncle? Aang didn't smile once in the entire movie, and all you can think of is what you looked like?"

"It was-"

"It took an interpretive dance and some sign language to bend anything, and your worried about _your _character?"

"Zuko, I was _so _thin, and-"

"They made Sokka serious, and you think your character was off?"

"I mean, I had dreadlocks..."

Zuko shook his head in disgust and stalked out of the kitchen. Iroh started to walk after him, but Sokka motioned for him to stop.

"Sometimes, we all need to rant a little."

Iroh frowned. "Hmm."

**Author's Note: **Hey! Guess what! I have a new Avatar story called Sokka's Therapy Sessions, and if you like this, you'll definitely like it as well!


	8. CraftStar 3

**Author's Note: **I'm really sorry I didn't update in forever, but I'm not sorry that I bought Starcraft II and played 24-7-365. The following story is based upon an experience that was all too real.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything.

The gaang was spread out through the living room, doing various things (except for Zuko, who was angsting about virtually non-existent problems), when Sokka burst in through the front door with a a PC game in hand.

He thrust the game into the air triumphantly. "Guess what I just got?"

Katara sighed. "Some game that's going to fill up half of our computer's memory?"

"Yeah, fill it up with awesome! Because I just got the greatest game to ever be turned into a pro sport in Korea, CraftStar 3!"

Aang jumped up off the couch. "Can I play?"

"No. You have Momo, Aang." Sokka sat down at the computer.

"But Sokka-"

Sokka turned to Aang and sighed. "Aang, all you do in this game is kill people. You don't even have the option of just taking away their bending."

Aang hung his head and went off to play with Momo.

Sokka turned on the computer, and logged into his account. It was then that he noticed an ominous shadow looming over the screen. He swung around. It was Zuko.

"Sokka, you have about as much technical experience as a kid who grew up at the South Pole. If you try to load something this big onto our computer, all your going to do is cause permanent damage that will most likely have some kind of negative effect on my overall well-being. I strongly recommend that you return that game and go back to playing Tetris."

"Nah."

Zuko stared at him intensely for a moment, then left the room.

Sokka expanded the window that had come up. "Wow, look at that. All you have to do is click 'load game' and your good to-WHAT?"

"What? You have to do more than click 'load game'? Shocking." said Toph, snickering.

Sokka's eyes widened in horror. "This game is going to take seventeen hours to load! ...Seventeen hours!"

Toph burst into laughter.

Sokka muttered something about 'manslaughter' under his breath, then stormed out of the room.

**Author's Notes: **Okay, this chapter was short, incomplete, had little to no ranting and little to no Zuko, but I didn't update in forever, and I was in a hurry to get this up. The next chapter will continue/finish this story arc.


	9. CraftStar 3 Continued

**Author's Note: ** Well, I'm glad most of you thought last chapter was funny, because this is going to be very similar. (The following story is based on a real-life experience)

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

Thirty seconds before Sokka's alarm clock went off, he awoke and smashed the button with his fist.

"YES! Craftstar 3 here I come!"

Sokka had let the game load overnight, and now, finally, he could play it. He tore down the stairs like a child on Christmas morning. Strangely, he found the computer screen darkened, just as his soul would soon be.

Frantically, he moved the mouse back and forth. The screen remained blank. His eyes widened in horror. His thoughts quickly became murderous. He charged back up the stairs, and into Zuko's room.

He pointed a finger of accusation at a sleeping Zuko. "YOU! You turned off the computer!"

Zuko, the majority of his body covered by blankets, stirred slightly. Then, his hand shot out and grabbed his alarm clock. He turned it so that the screen faced him, then turned it back.

"Sokka, do you see what time it is?"

Sokka, his zeal quickly being replaced by his fear of Zuko, answered quietly. "Five o' clock..."

The alarm clock in Zuko's hand burst into flame. Sokka left the room.

Without Zuko, there was only one other person who could've turned off the computer.

Sokka threw open the door to Katara's room. "WHY? Why did you turn off the computer?"

Katara rolled over in her sleep.

"KATARA!"

Her head emerged from a sea of bedding. She appeared to be very confused.

"Katara? Have you no respect for anything? Anybody? Is nothing sacred? Or, is everything just a little piece of dust that revolves around the sun of hope and beauty that is Katara?"

Aang appeared in the doorway next to Sokka. "Sokka, why are you-"

"Stay out of this Aang- go play with Momo!" Sokka shouted, without turning to acknowledge his presence.

"Katara, why would you shut down the computer?"

Katara, remembering now what she had done, answered hesitantly. "Well... I kind of forgot about your game..."

"There is no possible way you could have forgotten! This was obviously a premeditated attack on my person! Well, congratulations, it worked. But this is only a minor setback! I will play that game, and I will thoroughly enjoy every minute of it!"

Aang reappeared in the doorway. "Sokka, I can't find Momo."

Sokka slammed his forehead against the doorframe .


End file.
